Boredom.

Hey! :D

It's been quite the while!

Haven't spoke to you guys (assuming people actually read my blog) since last year!!

Reason being because not much has happened since the last time I wrote a blog post. And there's also nothing to talk about right now except for how bored I am right now.

It's such a strange day. Usually I can entertain myself for hours when I'm alone waiting for the next event to occur in my life but now... Now I've run out of things to google. I've run out of things to write in my notebook. I've run out of lyrics to think up. Rhythms to tap out... I've hit the bottom of my personal recreation. What I have left are, fortunately, thoughts to think.

Have you ever wondered what would happen to you if you ran out of things to think about? I do understand that there is close to an infinite amount of things to think about, but like... What if your brain just decided that it was just too bored to think them and instead... there was nothing going on in there? I imagine the scene going like this

Brain: Wow. I think I have thought and rethought everything there is for me to think about based on my personal experiences.
One: *drops to the ground and commences seizure* *foams at mouth*
Brain: *Tries to panic*
One: *Dies*

Yeh.

But for real, who likes to read blogs about boredom? I don't. It seems kind of counterproductive, does it not? Because... You're bored. You want to be entertained. You're not gonna read a post about boredom. Because... That's boring.

This is why nobody reads my stuff.

I need to do something with my life.

Nothing In My Life is Happening

Please excuse the poor grammar in the title. For those who haven't been reading my blog so far (which is just about everybody...), I don't use very good grammar while I blog. Most times I don't use grammar correctly for the sake of getting how I feel across, giving the reader a chance to step into my mind and hear how unfunctional I speak in my head. I don't make sense in many ways. Other times, I promise I read the line over and over again and can't think of a better way to word it. I'm not a high school drop out, I promise.

Thanks for reading my disclaimer. Let's move on.

I have basically been a sitting duck for almost a year. December 2013 I dropped out of college. I didn't think that was what I was doing but that is what I ended up doing. I was supposed to get my transcripts sent to some colleges back home, which is where I fled, so I could continue my education there. What I actually did was left college and proceeded to sit on my ass... with flair! I got two jobs, made a whole lot of money, moved out of my parents house, spent a whole lot of money, turned 21, got drunk, got a boyfriend, got fired, got a dog... all that I have in my posession and none of this is going to better my future... except maybe my boyfriend if I actually start to act on his advise. The guy's a genius, I swear.

But nothing is happening. Half of my monthly pay goes to rent. The other half goes to food, gas, and other junk so it's not like I'm SAVING any money or anything. My goal when I got back here from school was to buy a house. That's not gonna happen. I'm a smart person, I should be in college, but the more I'm not in college, the more I'm not sure what I wanna do. I mean, I know I want to make a difference in a significant amount of people's lives but what career path is that? I am [was] a psychology major. I wanted to counsel but I wasn't sure for what. After working in an ER I wanted to specialize in treating schizophrenia and other disorders in the sections schizophrenia is in (It's been so long I can't remember if that's a schizoid disorder or a psychotic disorder...). After working in an ER even longer, I am pretty sure that is not what I want to do anymore. Now I'm just... clueless. Lazy and clueless.

I have the idea that if I just go back to school and expose myself to that education again, I'll get my passion for it back up and I could better determine what it is that I actually want to do, but I like... Don't want to do it.

What kind of erks [or urks? whatever] me is the fact that people get careers without even attending college, like bro! How the heck do you do that!? That's what I need, just make my own little career and professional category. Like a Professional Certified Day Brightener or something! Paid the big bucks!! But... hey, the world's not a perfect one.

Chronic Laziness

All this newfound time I have acquired means to me that there is more hours to sleep, can I get an Amen?!

More responsible people often ask me "You have so much time on your hands now, how are you not doing anything productive?!" It's because bed though, soo.... yah.

Matter of fact! I want to go to sleep RIGHT NOW!! Who needs productivity when I could just dream I was doing the stuff without using the energy to do so? Or even better, when I could just dream I was doing stuff while gaining more energy for the rest of my day.... that I would just end up using for MORE sleep...

It's a shame, really, how much time I'm using to do absolutely nothing. My house was pretty junky, then I got a puppy whose favorite thing to put in her mouth is the junk around the house so now my house is an absolute mess. The floor is covered in shredded toilet paper and massacred plastic hanger bits. Oh and she keeps getting into the bird seed (which I am unable to find) and pooping all over the house; that's about the only thing I clean up.

My laziness is getting too real and I can't seem to muster up the inspiration to change it. I don't want to go to school because I seemed to have lost my way in what I think I want to do. I don't want to get a second job because of previous difficulties with it. Cleaning my house just seems to become more and daunting as the days go by.... I can't go out because I'm just too expensive for myself. Like... where is my motivation?! I'm growing up to become this sedentary stagnant lady, and I'm starting to hate her... lazily.

Shoot, I'm too lazy to even think of the point of this blog so... yeah I guess that's all I've got to say for now. *shrug*

.... Somebody help me.

I was Cindi Mayweather for Halloween

Here are some pictures. I'll let the story be told underneath them for those who don't like reading. (Don't worry, I don't particularly like reading either, so I won't be offended nor am I making a "you're not intelligent" jab.)

These are some photos that inspired the costume and expressions

I genuinely thought it was gonna be the night that rocked my world!

 And it ended like this.

I went as the Archandroid, Cindi Mayweather, an Alpha Platinum 9000 who saves the world from it's own destruction. I didn't deliver as that character at all that night.

That night I swore to myself I would never drink again. 

I got so drunk that I couldn't even throw up 

I got so drunk that I regretted everything I had ever done that involved alcohol ever

I got so drunk that I began to despise whoever invented the ETOH substance. 

I just became so not about everything that was happening... unless it involved twerking. I was down to twerk! But at an EDM festival... Not very fitting. Needless to say, EDM festivals? Not my element.

We went to the club because a guy said we should ditch the festival and go to a club. This is where I twerked. Clubs? My element.

After 20 minutes he was ready to go back to the hotel so I summoned the cab. 

After 2 minutes in the cab, he was wondering why we weren't at the club :/

We got to the hotel and this is where I attempted to throw up and couldn't so I just went number two instead. 

After 5 minutes on the toilet he was ready to go back out to the club or SOMETHING. 

He was banging on my door saying something like "Acacia! Me and you are going back out! It is too early to be in a hotel, we need to have more fun! You're like the coolest one here! We have to go back out! You have twenty minutes to get off of that toilet and be ready to go!!!!"

And I relied something like "Mehehhhhhehhehehhhhhhh :[" I didn't want to stand up ever again. 

I tried to squeeze out anything that would go through either end until he forgot he wanted to go out. He did after 10 minutes and so I washed my hands and made my move to the bed. [That's where I took that last picture] and then I went to sleep!

I woke up the next morning [bed arrangements were my two good buds in the bed, me and this guy in the couchbed] at about six to find two guys laying to my left. Had no idea where this guy came from. 

The End.

[And yes, I'm sure I wasn't raped.]

Love is a Gamble

[This is a late post... Sorry guys.]

Well. Time came before I had prepared it to, as usual... and I had to watch him leave two months before he was supposed to and suddenly... it felt like my life was walking away. As much as I hate to admit things like that these days, it really felt like a good chunk of me was missing after he was gone. 

What's beautiful is that he was a risk that I took. I'm a feeler. I like to feel things, it lets me know that I'm alive. I took the risk of loving him while knowing good and well what would come in the future. He was leaving regardless but, I was loving him regardless. I wanted to feel how he could make me feel; I felt that feeling could have been worth the feeling of emptiness I'd feel in the end. And let me tell you, it was. :] 

I thoroughly believe you cannot have joy without pain. Joy is the pleasure and pain cycle. There were a couple of sacrifices that needed to be made in order for me to feel what I felt. It was as though I was walking a plank blind to what was below. I knew it would be an ocean because I was told that that was what I was jumping into but really... :] Really, I jumped into the sky... 

Let me explain, metaphorically. It was as though I expected the crash of the waves when really I was not jumping to my death at all, I was jumping into at least a little more future. I did expect to die, to hurt, just for the pleasure of the fall. I sacrificed my sight. I didn't know what kind of fall it would be. Would I trip, fall, hit the plank with my belly, then roll off? Would I hit my head on the way down? I had no idea, but I tied my bandanna around my eyes walked and jumped anyways, just to feel what the fall felt like even though I expected a cold and salty demise. But what's beautiful... is that... I'm flying now (or falling from the sky, I don't know. I can't see anything.). I'm not in at all in any type of murky water. What I had been starving for has been elongated, extended, and I'm just loving the fall. 

I've learned early that love is indeed a gamble, but this time (so far) it seems I'm coming out on top :]

Time for an update?

Meh. It's been about a month plus since my last blog. I'm solely inspired by boredom right now and that's unfortunate, but an update is way overdue. For some reason I'm using this website more and more as a diary and I know that because I want this format to be in chronological order catching you, the reader, up on what's been going on in my life. What's worse is that that is basically the format of my whole blog. But I wouldn't read my own post if it went that way, so I'm not gonna do it like that, and I'll try to keep it interesting with whatever style my fingers decide to type today... What to write, what to write...

SKIP TO HERE IF YOU DON'T HAVE TIME FOR RAMBLING!!!

I tend to make things a big deal...

Like everything that shouldn't be a big deal is a huge deal to me. Being late to work is an okay sized deal to everyone else, but to me it's HUGE DEAL!!! It reflects my character, my being as a person! To others, they're just late and they won't be late again... they think... Me, I dwell on it at least for a couple of days, because it does come back and bite you in the butt... the more it occurs.

I'm black. My race, we are subject to many stereotypes (as every race is). One of those stereotypes: poor time management. Me? I'm punctual as fuck. I was trained that way in early high school! As a requirement in my show choir, we had to be anywhere we needed to be at least fifteen minutes early or else we were late. It was an expectation that turned into a habit. No matter where I needed to be, I was there at LEAST fifteen minutes before the start time.

I made the mistake of going to an HBCU for my post high school education. That's where I learned that if you were early to anything, you were an idiot because you wouldn't be joined at the venue by your fellow peers for another hour fifteen. (I'm exaggerating, but black folks there generally fit the poor time management stereotype stiletto perfectly, I'm talkin a Cinderella match up in this bit...) Two and a half years there, before I return home, and my punctuality became run on sentences that couldn't get anywhere on time. I was late to more things than I had ever been in my life.

I had two jobs and about two hours of sleep on the days I worked both jobs (up to three days a week). I had one job working graveyard and then a regular day job. My night job was my primary and the job I enjoyed going to more (I love both of them, I'm just a person that shamelessly picks favorites) was about a forty minute commute from my apartment as well as the primary job. I was putting in 40 hours for both jobs. 160 hours a month. And I was doing fine, simply because I'd get off one job and head out to the other job right after, take a good little thirty minute nap in the car, and be up for the next shift. Trouble started the most when I was switched from early shift to late shift. Instead of coming into my second job at 7:30 I was coming in at 9:30. Sounds like a blessing right? I thought the same thing at first.

Instead of being able to enjoy the new hour and a half of sleep I could get, I would enjoy a new two hours, or 4 hours of sleep and be later to work than 8 months. (it's a pregnancy joke.) It put me in a really uncomfortable position because I'm not used to being late to any thing ESPECIALLY a place of employment where they are PAYING ME to be there. It made me really sad and distressed and I would stress the more I thought about how I was going to get to work on time (every weekday.).

One day, I was given my last-shot-to-get-it-right-because-we-really-like-you warning. Another day, I woke up in bed twenty minutes before my shift started. Remember I told you it takes FORTY minutes to get there? Yeah. I wasn't gonna make it. And I didn't. I dreaded every minute of the drive over there and died more and more with every minute after I was supposed to be there. It was over. And I was fired. And my heart was broken. I did it to myself. I expanded myself way to much. I didn't quit while I was ahead. I bit off wayyyy more than I could chew. The job was only supposed to last the summer, but they asked if I would stay and I said "Of course!" I loved it there! Why would I trade this experience with a normal life and sleep? The connections I made there were priceless and the company showed their appreciation for me and I did the same back to them; it was nothing but love. But!! Too much of a good won't be good forever...

So there, an update on yet another lesson learned in the life of a leo. Go far, enjoy life, but only if you're not killing yourself for it.

Different.

Different.

Have you ever sat back and watched people react to something different?

Like the first time I tried Indian food. I was maybe 7 years old and it was so different from anything I had ever tasted and I didn't like it all. I still don't.

As an adult and a self proclaimed human analyzer, I sit back sometimes and watch things happen. Lately I've been watching situations where a stable, covalent group of people are met with an individual who is not like them. In some cases I see people embrace the differences within that person sometimes even praising that person for their differences. Most times, however, the group typically separates themselves from that person. I remember reading about the law of attraction in my Cultural Diversity textbook. The theory states that people are attracted to people like them and they will most likely shun those who are not.

It's unfortunate that [theoretically] human nature works that way. From what I've learned in my studies is that we (human beings) naturally discriminate/are prejudice against one another. There is so much potential in people; even though one may not look like you, speak like you, comprehend the way you do, learn like you, walk like you, you like you, they may have the ability to benefit the group, your life, the situation drastically, if you just give them the chance to be them without interruption. Without the cold shoulder, the glares, the negative comments, the GOSSIP!!! the like...

I am currently witnessing a lady that is being discriminated against for not having the same style of thinking and learning as everybody else. People almost immediately got annoyed and impatient and now they are seeming to team up with one another to get her gone. I get along with the lady just fine; literally, the only thing that is the problem is that she does not learn with the method the group is using to teach. All we have to do is adjust to her learning style and she's got the processes in the BAG! The group would have her do all the extra special strenuous work (even though they show that they don't believe she has the brain capacity to complete the task correctly) and by maybe four occurrences, she had the process down because one person decided to teach her the way she should be taught. Treat her the way she should be treated.

The amount of people that talk about this person behind her back is ridiculous. A situation this morning, even, brought something else to my attention. Something that I learned very early in life (Like early school, 5 or 6 years old) that I had forgotten because... I myself seemed to fall into the category, or culture, per say. People will do what everyone else will do. And [don't you knock my grammar] what I mean by that is this; People crave the feeling of feeling important and unfortunately, this is a thirst that is hardly ever quenched. When one is accepted in a group, a bit of that craving is fulfilled and since we want so much to be accepted, we will continue to do what is acceptable. "When in Rome..." Try this at home. Next time you are at work make a situation where you have an idea. Have a buddy in on the test say that "Well that's a stupid idea" or the like and observe how the rest of the team reacts. Do the same for the opposite response ("Wow, that could really work." or "That's a good idea.") and observe how the team reacts to that as well. Unfortunately, because of this longing for acceptance, most humans are not very good at being true individuals.

Because that coded want to be important exists alongside the code of people wanting only for themselves as well as the code of not accepting others' difference, it causes indefinite separation in the community which is only counterproductive for the whole. Can we make it a goal to speak to or bond with somebody we never thought we would know? To share ideas with somebody you think is "crazy"?

If we all committed effort to build a relationship with just one person we would typically never talk to, we could learn a worlds worth of knowledge.

Let's try that.